50 Funny Quotes – Hilarious Quotes to Make You Laugh

50 Funny Quotes – Hilarious Quotes to Make You Laugh

Funny Quotes are the best way to start your day and keep it going, just like a cup of coffee or a hot shower. No matter what happens in life, we can always find something funny to laugh about.
Funny quotes are always a good way to break the ice and make someone smile. The following is a list of funny quotes that will make you laugh, no matter what your situation is.

No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar. – Abraham Lincoln

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity. – Albert Einstein

Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening. – Alexander Woollcott

Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone. – Anthony Burgess

The best measure of a man’s honesty isn’t his income tax return. It’s the zero adjust on his bathroom scale. – Arthur C. Clarke

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. – Benjamin Franklin

After all is said and done, sit down. – Bill Copeland

Reality continues to ruin my life. – Bill Watterson

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger. – Billy Connolly

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl. – Dave Barry

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. – Don Marquis

Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts. – E. B. White

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. – Elayne Boosler

Too much agreement kills a chat. – Eldridge Cleaver

I would like to die on Mars. Just not on impact. – Elon Musk

I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend. – Emo Philips

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving. – Erma Bombeck

One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody’s listening. – Franklin P. Jones

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance. – George Bernard Shaw

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. – Henry A. Kissinger

I have a memory like an elephant. I remember every elephant I’ve ever met. – Herb Caen

If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle. – Hillary Clinton

It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. – Jerry Seinfeld

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. – Jim Carrey

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. – Joan Rivers

Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you. – Joey Adams

If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three. – Laurence J. Peter

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it. – Laurence J. Peter

If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a clean desk? – Laurence J. Peter

Miami Beach is where neon goes to die. – Lenny Bruce

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. – Lily Tomlin

Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese. – Luis Bunuel

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. – Mae West

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. – Margaret Mead

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. – Mark Twain

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. – Milton Berle

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. – Mitch Hedberg

Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I. – Oscar Levant

I can resist everything except temptation. – Oscar Wilde

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely. – P. J. O’Rourke

I was eating in a Chinese restaurant downtown. There was a dish called Mother and Child Reunion. It’s chicken and eggs. And I said, I gotta use that one. – Paul Simon

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron. – Phyllis Diller

Until you walk a mile in another man’s moccasins you can’t imagine the smell. – Robert Byrne

I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you. – Robin Williams

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? – Robin Williams

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. – Steve Martin

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it. – Terry Pratchett

It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance. – Thomas Sowell

Progress is man’s ability to complicate simplicity. – Thor Heyerdahl

I failed to make the chess team because of my height. – Woody Allen

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *