No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar. – Abraham Lincoln
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity. – Albert Einstein
Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening. – Alexander Woollcott
Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone. – Anthony Burgess
The best measure of a man’s honesty isn’t his income tax return. It’s the zero adjust on his bathroom scale. – Arthur C. Clarke
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. – Benjamin Franklin
After all is said and done, sit down. – Bill Copeland
Reality continues to ruin my life. – Bill Watterson
My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger. – Billy Connolly
The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl. – Dave Barry
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. – Don Marquis
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts. – E. B. White
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. – Elayne Boosler
Too much agreement kills a chat. – Eldridge Cleaver
I would like to die on Mars. Just not on impact. – Elon Musk
I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend. – Emo Philips
Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving. – Erma Bombeck
One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody’s listening. – Franklin P. Jones
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance. – George Bernard Shaw
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. – Henry A. Kissinger
I have a memory like an elephant. I remember every elephant I’ve ever met. – Herb Caen
If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle. – Hillary Clinton
It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. – Jerry Seinfeld
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. – Jim Carrey
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. – Joan Rivers
Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you. – Joey Adams
If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three. – Laurence J. Peter
Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it. – Laurence J. Peter
If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a clean desk? – Laurence J. Peter
Miami Beach is where neon goes to die. – Lenny Bruce
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. – Lily Tomlin
Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese. – Luis Bunuel
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. – Mae West
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. – Margaret Mead
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. – Mark Twain
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. – Milton Berle
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. – Mitch Hedberg
Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I. – Oscar Levant
I can resist everything except temptation. – Oscar Wilde
Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely. – P. J. O’Rourke
I was eating in a Chinese restaurant downtown. There was a dish called Mother and Child Reunion. It’s chicken and eggs. And I said, I gotta use that one. – Paul Simon
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron. – Phyllis Diller
Until you walk a mile in another man’s moccasins you can’t imagine the smell. – Robert Byrne
I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you. – Robin Williams
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? – Robin Williams
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. – Steve Martin
The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it. – Terry Pratchett
It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance. – Thomas Sowell
Progress is man’s ability to complicate simplicity. – Thor Heyerdahl
I failed to make the chess team because of my height. – Woody Allen
